I have had an overwhelming and unexpected response to my recent post Dear New Girl at the Gym. My next several blog posts I will be responding to many of the questions and statements people have posted in the comments section below that post.
A few of the commenters said they had had such a negative experience with people making rude comments to them at the gym that they had a hard time going back. This infuriates me. I am shocked and appalled that any person would treat another human being in such a fashion, especially when someone is making an effort to find their healthiest self. It makes me so angry and so sad. I could make all sort so disparaging comments about these men/women who feel they can treat others so poorly, but I won’t. I don’t want to focus on them. I can’t help them.
I want to focus on us. You and me.
We can’t let others decide our future or our happiness. When we take their inhuman comments and believe them we are not only giving someone else power over us, but we are letting their negativity decide what we will become. We are letting them win.
One of my favorite quotes is from Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice. Lady Catherine DeBourgh asks the incredibly witty and intelligent Elizabeth Bennet to promise she will never marry Lady Catherine’s nephew Mr. Darcy. Mr. Darcy is above Elizabeth in rank and fortune, and Lady Catherine has wealth and prestige above many in the country. But Elizabeth responds—
“I am only resolved to act in the manner, which will, in my opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.” (Austen, 346)
Those people that would tear us down have nothing to do with you and me. Absolutely nothing. NOTHING! I didn’t go up to that girl and ask her what I should study at college or whether I should marry my husband or whether I should have my babies. I didn’t ask that guy his opinion on my hair cut or what car I should drive or what house I should live in. Why? Because it is none of their business. I wouldn’t have listened to them in these matters, so I can’t let their opinions and comments change my efforts to treat my body well.
This goes way beyond working out at the gym. This applies to every part of our lives. Often when we decide we want something more, that we deserve something better, there is someone there to tell us that we don’t deserve it or that it is too hard. But we can’t listen to them.
We have to choose our own happiness and our own future. We deserve to be our happy and healthy.
Works Cited—Austen, Jane. Pride and Prejudice. New York: Barnes and Noble Classics, 2003. Print
Your post is something I’ve tried hard to instill in my life recently. It’s so hard to remember to just worry about yourself, but sometimes I’ve found it’s ok to just let the haters hate. In doing so I’ve grown so much in the past six months and was able to let go of the hurtful things in my life and just strengthen and build amazing relationships in my family.
Well-crafted and felt follow-up post Erica. I’ll never forget Elizabeth’s strength that you reminded us of.
Such wonderful words of wisdom. I’ve always let myself be beaten down my what others thought of me; but you have helped me see that those people don’t matter; I MATTER! Thank you so much and keep doing what you’re doing!
Hi Erica,
This is a back and forth struggle that I have. Sometimes I think that people that are more sensitive or tender hearted are more reactive to negativity around them then others may be. I have learned that I have to pick my battles, so to speak. If something occurs that I have very strong convictions about it and feel I need to speak out, I will do so and do it with everything I have inside me. Once I am done, then I must let it go. If I don’t, it may continue to eat at me and just take up unwelcome space in my head! In a way it is like saying, “I am right, and you are wrong and I will do anything to prove that to you”. I may do this, but I must remember to let it go afterwards. When it is a choice (and it IS a choice) of wanting to be “right” or being “happy”, I would choose happy over anything.
As hard as it may seem or feel, we have no control over what others think of us and actually it is none of our business what others think, so I try not to “make” it my business because it would be a battle I would never win! The only thing I have control over is my thoughts and actions, and I guess that keeps me busy enough that I don’t have time to worry about what others do or think!
Thank you for making me think!!
Inner happiness, strength and fortitude from self love is the strongest, win, win, defense against those who would belittle or berate us. It is through acceptance and belief in oneself, a rebirth occurs, carrying with it positive traits we allow ourselves to pass along as we touch the lives of others. Erica, your words of encouragement and kindness are prime examples of how we humans should relate to one another. Goodness to others is the overflow of self love.
I love how you brought up that quote from Pride and Prejudice because that is my favorite book! Recently, i have discovered that I need to embrace who I truly am. I am a weird person but that doesn’t mean i have to hate that. Instead I am proud of it because I have so much fun being completely myself. When I was younger, I would get so embarrassed by my mom sometimes and I wanted to pretend I didn’t know her but then I noticed that she was just being herself and she was having more fun than me. Gradually I realized that if I do something that someone thinks is weird and they don’t want to be around me then that is their problem. They can walk away or choose not to talk to me. I also realized that if someone says something rude to me or offensive I just say to myself, “You don’t know me but I know myself and I love myself and you can’t change that.” Usually when people offend you, they don’ t know you so you should never even take note that they said anything. And in the rare cases that someone close to you says something that could possibly break you, respond with kindness. Don’t follow their example and think badly of them as well. Try to understand them and talk to them and find out why. So many people say, “well, i’m only human.” and while that is true, everyone is human so treat everyone with kindness and when others don’t do the same, it doesn’t matter because you are amazing and special and if they don’t want to get to know you, then their loss. Thank you Erica for your posts, i really enjoy them!